May. 19th, 2010

sistercarrion: (sad trent)

Hellooo..

Well, I know I said I was back, but now I really am. I'm having umm.. filtering issues with using Twitter, shall we say? It's immediacy has it's plus points and minuses, and right now, it's become brutally clear that the minuses are outweighing the good, so I'm going to take a bit of a break. I'm going to be reading everything still, and there's DMs and e-mail and stuff if you need to get in touch, but..

*sighs*

Okay, other reasons Twitter doesn't seem to be working out right now for me, My memory has always been dodgy,  and I've really struggled with it over the years. It's the core of my OCD, that I'm terrified I'll forget everything if there isn't some record somewhere. At my worst this meant hoarding every single receipt, packaging box, wrapping, magazines everything. The OCD is mostly under control these days, but the urge to write stuff everywhere is still very much there.  But since the fibromyalgia, and medication for mental health issues, my spelling has really gone downhill, and my cognitive function is just completely zapped a lot of the time. I used to tutor GSCE students, completed a degree, organised gigs, DJed..  fuck. I worry so much that I'm never going to get it back, that it's lost forever in fog. Knowing that I know a word, and that I just can't 'reach' it is just so frustrating, and that's just the start.

Anyway, I'm rambling.. point is that over the last year, I've started the fun of struggling mentally with sentence structure too. Looking back on tweets where I've really fucked up what I wanted to say makes me feel mortified, and all you can do on Twitter is delete. Which is.. not good for me. I know that's part of the point of Twitter, and part of the joy of it, but at the moment that's causing me more stress than benefit, soo..

Also, I don't use IM as my hands cramp up, but also... I.. I'm terrified of saying stuff that I don't actually mean. I know that sounds utterly irrational and idiotic, but hey, mentally scewed thoughts here. And it looks like Twitter is proving difficult in a similiar vein. I like that on LJ I can filter and cut, edit if needed when I realise I've said something incorrectly. Twitter? It's just out there, and if you fuck up, there's fuck all you can do about it apart from apologise profusely.

So, I'm sucking it up and owning that I fucked up with spoilers on Twitter, and I apologise if you were affected. I think the sensible thing for me to do is to withdraw from Twitter a little, and come back here a bit more. I can take my time here, and relax a lot more about my writing, and not feel as anxious and paranoid as I do over there. And, well if I take my time to post, rather than rushing through a Tweet, I'm less likely to fuck it up. That's the theory anyway.

So, sorry again, and I love you all. Yes, even you.

xx


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sistercarrion

April 2011

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